i usually don't share this much but i thought what the hey
I'm in a weird space right now. I'm unemployed (or self-employed) but my streams of freelance work are sparse right now. Because of where I live, and childcare restrictions, and the fact that I don't have a vehicle right now, it's hard for me to find work in my field.
Without telling all my business lol, the relationship between myself and the father of my children is strained right now. He takes them when he wants, more now - thank goodness- but he refuses to give me any monetary support. He's a good dad, but he's not a good co-parent. Which makes it hard for me. My family and some friends insist I take him to court, but I don't want to do that. I would rather not give the NYS Unified Court System the final say over what happens with myself and my (our) children. Just leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I don't trust the government anyway, so yeah. No.
That's really a sidebar, but I guess it explains where a large amount of my stress comes from. My real desire is just to be free to develop my passions and career. I have always been a self sufficient woman and I would like to keep it that way.
Maintaining my sanity is job #1. I do this through different mediums, writing, being one of them, working out, spending time with friends and loved ones, etc.
At this point, my days consist of looking for a "real" job - ugh - and scouring job boards for writing gigs. And applying to both as much. I'm stuck in a place where reality meets desire. I've always been very clear about what I want for my life - love led me astray - and now the fact that I have "responsibilities" is kinds sorta interfering with that.
I have to pay the bills, but yet I know a 9 to 5 is not for me. Something I could never see myself doing long term. Something that would surely drain the passion and life right out of me. And what's a life without passion? Wack! this scorpio says. Dare I say, not worth living.
I continue to pursue school and dreams, yet at some point I do have to put my big girl undies on and make sacrifices. Painful sacrifices. Made more painful by my angst. My aversion to leading an average life makes the reality of living that life all the more torrid. My disdain for it makes it even worst. I get a yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach just thing about it.
So, conclusions. I guess I will sacrifice - for a little while - and work a "regular" job. Just long enough to get out of this space and build my assets up enough to move on and create the life, and career, I want. Shiiiiiid, I owe it to my babies - and myself - to do it.