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SINGLE, HAPPY & FREE: No More Settling

I follow a gentleman on Facebook. He is a lovely writer, and I have been inspired on more than one occasion by his thoughts and expression of love for his family. Today was no different. He wrote a well-meaning piece about settling. For me, it was like a cautionary tale to women: Don’t let every day blessings pass you by only to look back and realize you could have had it all. This is a beautiful sentiment, but is it really the truth? I kept asking myself does he really know what it takes for a woman to get to the point where she says I will not accept less than I deserve. Does he know the magnitude of what she may have endured already? Does he understand what life lessons have taught her about accepting less? Can he imagine what she’d been through, before she reached those words and found the courage to say I deserve better. Will there ever be a time when the world respects what a woman says she needs? Many of us have loved without caution, with hope, without judgement, with the belief that something beautiful can be born if we just love with all that we are and give our best. We have been in relationships where we have supported the vision of Black love, community, and family only to be left, lied to, and forced to begin again and again with less than we had before.

I need someone to speak openly about the dangers of settling. Many of us have had to learn the hard way. We elected experience over wisdom, because of this reoccurring proverb that says women have to sacrifice themselves in order to experience and sustain love. We are conditioned to accept the unthinkable all under the guise of understanding or being down. At some point you get tired of laying down so someone else can stand on your back. There is danger in being receptive to less than you deserve.

The educated career woman is the new scape goat. Her expectations are too high. She wants a man to jump through hoops to gain her affection. She’s looking for a six pack, with six figures, driving a 640 class Mercedes. The truth that many men seem to escape is that the “educated career minded woman” can be submissive, loving, and open to building a life with a partner that’s willing to build with her. Yet, over time men teach these women that their education and career are the catalyst that give rise to their insecurity, fear, distance, and sometimes abuse. It can be bothersome and unsettling when the truth surfaces and he lashes out. It is hard to love a man that can’t love you back, because he feels by his own standards that he is not enough.

Let’s not evade the option of men that have been incarcerated. My opinion is that this is a personal choice. This is not a situation that comes without pros and cons. There are plenty of men that have gotten into trouble, and turned their lives around making significant strides in their communities and in their families. On the flip side…some of these jokers have girlfriends and wives that have held them down for YEARS, but he chooses to play the field when he gets out. Some of them are stuck at the ages that their incarceration began. “I know women who said they would never date or marry an ex felon…” Faith Harris Green gave an ex felon a second chance and he killed her four children. Society dragged her, said she was a stupid woman and a bad mother and that Black women need to make better choices. Is there a check list when deciding to date a man from prison? It feels like you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

To speak honestly, women are willing to accept less far more often than they are not. They have learned to quiet their intuition, to enter fruitless situations for the sake of operating in the norm of dysfunction, but I need some one to speak about the danger. Someone please tell these women that they can be happy and healthy, but loving some one who is not can compromise your overall well-being. Tell her that once she begins to settle in one area of her life, she will settle in others and it is not easy to stop. Let them know that when they deny what they know to be truth, she diminishes the trust she has in herself (and God), which will impact her ability to make choices. Settling sows seeds of regret. Who she is and who she is meant to be will be deterred. TELL HER, that her spirit will be restless the longer she stays on a course not meant for her. Tell them that just because you decided to settle does not mean he will. There are no guarantees with settling. Let her know that accepting less than you deserve is akin to a Kevorkian experience; she will be participating in her own demise, but this is more of an emotional and spiritual suffocation that smothers what she needs to be herself. WARN HER OF THE DANGERS. Then look into the eyes of a woman you love and tell her to accept less than she deserves. Say it out loud…I love you, but I want you to accept less then you deserve…settle…

TC Mattison ~ Single And Settling (single is the new black)


What is religion? The definition of religion can vary depending on who you ask. Religion can be used as a means to have a closer relationship with God. When individuals or a community want to have spiritual worship and live a life in accordance with the Most High(s), utilizing religion and following a set code of ethics can be beneficial. But religion can also be used to gain political, spiritual, and moral power, where it can then be used as a tool to control the masses; the minds, feelings and beliefs of the masses. Religion, when used this way, becomes dangerous and unpredictable.

I grew up in a family of Christians. I wouldn't say they were devout Christians, but they are definitely believers in Jesus Christ and the Bible. When I was younger I was confused about religion because when we went to church I couldn't ask questions. When I did I would always get shushed or some of my older family would tell me that the lord works in mysterious ways. I remember one time before Sunday School, I had to be about nine, I asked my grandmother a question about Adam and Eve. I wanted to understand how they could have populated the earth if it was just the two of them. Wouldn't they have had to basically commit incest? Her eyes got wide and she fell silent for a few seconds. She then told me not to ever ask her something like that again and walked away, clearly flustered.

I didn't attend church or Sunday School on a regular basis, but when we went it was a fun, loving time. I enjoyed church. It was a type of spiritual experience after all, and we had good food and visited with family we didn't often see. Still, that encounter with my Grandma had a lasting effect on me. After that I was decidedly skeptical about religion. I was naturally inquisitive and have always been investigative. What kind of theology doesn't allow you to inquire about truths? What kind of journey of discovery is that? How can you ever learn if you don't search and ask? These questions and Christianity just didn't add up for me and I always kept that in the back of my mind.

Growing up with "Christian values," that is you should follow the bible, The 10 Commandments and accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, didn't always feel good to me. Many times I felt ashamed because I couldn't measure up to the standards of the bible. Sometimes I felt worthless. Like after I lost my virginity. My mother was very open with my sister and I regarding most subjects. But sex was a different story. My mother would always say "you can talk to me about anything," or "tell me before you do," but in the same breath say "but I'll kill you if you do." That mixed message caused me to feel uncomfortable talking to my mom about sex. Basically the message was stay a virgin until you are married or you are devalued. There was no third alternative.

Since I didn't feel comfortable going to the older women in my life to talk about sex I learned it the way many young people do; my friends. Which is not the best way for a young girl, or any young person, to learn about sex. Some of my friends were already having sex when I lost my virginity. I "lost" mine the way far too many girls, especially black girls, do: I was violated. I'd just started seeing this guy I met through my girlfriend, I was 14 - he was 18. She was dating his brother, and they were all visiting my home. He basically unlocked a basement door, came back later that night, and let himself in. He woke me up in the middle of the night. We went downstairs. He initiated, I resisted, but he persisted and took what he wanted. It wasn't how I saw myself having sex for the first time but it was done. Couldn't get it back if I wanted to. I didn't understand what a sacred gift and responsibility sex was because I never talked about it with an older, wiser woman. From my vantage point, religion blocked my opportunity to learn about sex in a healthy way.

Since all I knew was "stay a virgin," after I lost my virginity I felt my special gift was gone and I didn't see the value in chastity. I felt guilty; condemned. I became promiscuous. In Christianity and religion in general sexual discretion {discretion (n): the power or right to decide or act according to one's own judgment; freedom of judgment or choice}¹ isn't discussed and advocated for like virginity is; that is remaining a virgin until marriage. So sex is discussed seldom, if at all. It leaves girl uniformed, ill prepared and vulnerable to unnecessary mistakes, heartbreak and even predators due to their naivety. I speak of having sexual discretion and a relationship with the Creator, the Divine Intelligence so girls can follow their divine intuition and discernment and attract a situation of love. A sacred space of love so they are safe to share their gift with the right man, married or not.

When we advocate sexual discretion over virginity we empower girls to make their own choices. Choices that are best for them; not what a patriarchal system of oppression says is best. That's why teaching girls about their bodies, their sexuality and their emotions in a healthy manner is imperative. The spirituality I know promotes chastity, and sharing your special gift with those you want to based solely upon your well informed choice, nothing else. Religion dictates virginity until marriage but I have a criteria I feel is more in alignment with the Divine Intelligence; the entity some refer to as God. First, be over 18 / out of high school. Second, be in a healthy loving relationship. Third, be in your relationship for at least a year. This helps to ensure a space that is safe for you to share one of your most precious gifts.

Putting so much focus on being a virgin and sending the message to girls that their ultimate destination in life is marriage is limiting. It is not productive for women or men. Pushing this virgin / marriage agenda is just one way to control peoples' thought, perspectives and actions. Women can develop low self esteem and start to take on destructive behaviors from not being able to live up to the demands of religion. This is just one of the reasons I feel that religion can be unhealthy.

This is not a slight against my mother, or the other women in my family. They are amazing women, all of them, and my mother did an excellent job raising my sister and I. On the subject of sex, she did the best she could. She didn't know how to approach it, because no one talked to her and no one talked to my grandmother or her sisters and it goes back through the generations. That's why addressing these issues and having these conversations is so necessary, so we can educate and protect our girls and our youth. And destigmatize sex and sexuality.

I'm glad my mother raised us with universal values, such as due unto others as you would have others do unto you etc., but I do not believe you need religion to raise a child with righteous morals. Being in touch with the Divine Intelligence of the Universe allows us to innately know and teach what is right and what's wrong.  fostering a knowledge of self is very important to being able to understand and decode the Divine Intelligence. Knowing your actual history, as opposed to just biblical scripture, is paramount to understanding who you are on this orb and your planetary purpose.

The older I got the less concerned I was with what my mother and elders would say, but the guilt was always there. The guilt of not being certain if I really accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. The guilt of having sex outside marriage and not really being sure if I even truly accepted these Christian beliefs, deep in my essence. I didn't know what to believe but I sure didn't feel good, saved or safe. I was trying to find my way and the truth and i wanted to believe my elders, but they really didn't seem all too sure themselves. They just "believed" because the Bible said so. That wasn't enough for me. So I stayed lost for a while. Guilty for being a sinner and terrified of hell.

Another reason why organized religion is questionable to me. If what you say is true and your knowledge is infallible, then why the push to make everyone agree with your outlook? Why the need to recruit and maintain obedience through fear? Why the intolerance in organizations that preach peace? Usually when someone has something good to share they don't need to use aggressive marketing or pushy sales tactics. The product, service or idea sells itself. The people come and stay because the product or idea is beneficial to their lives. Not by force or coercion. That is a form of bondage.

Currently I don't accept sin as a legitimate concept the way it is identified in religion. After much research and internal reflection I came to the conclusion that the concept of sin was conjured up or exaggerated by the men and families in power who want to preserve their authority. I believe in consequences because I observe them. Literally. We are free to make our own choices but we are not free from the consequences of those choices. Also, hell and heaven are states of consciousness, not exclusively physical planes of existence. This means you can experience hell and paradise right here on earth. In the physical realm. Because our physical state of being along with our mental, spiritual and emotional state of being determines our consciousness and reality.

Furthermore, most of us have a conscience. We can feel when we have done something right or wrong. We do not need a book to tell us this. We were born with intuition and a sixth sense that is our guide. Many times women's intuition is more refined than men's. This is why it is important to keep women active in roles of spiritual leadership. Women help guide men because they can sense what the men cannot. Women have a different, more finely tuned connection to the Divine. This is why patriarchy does not make sense to me. Patriarchy is a form of social organization in which the father is the supreme authority in the family, clan or a tribe. A social system in which power is held by men through cultural norms and customs that favor men and withhold opportunity from women. How could you cut out the Divine other half of the equation. To me that just seems like men wanting power over women's choices for their own selfish reasons. I will not comply with this aberration of Divine justice.

The creation story and the story of a virgin and her son has been told in many cultures throughout time, including the story of Auset, Ausar and Heru in Kemet, the name for Egypt in antiquity. I cannot accept a plagiarized and mistranslated version of spiritual allegories. To do so would be unscientific. And I consider myself a spiritual scientist. Buddha said "believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense." This makes sense to me. This is why it is important to search everything for yourself, so you can think independently and critically and form conclusions for yourself. This is showing respect for the power of your mind.

Religion has been used as a tool to enslave and oppress Indigenous peoples around the globe. The Arab Muslims did it with Islam and the Europeans did it with Christianity. Why would I accept a religion that was beat into my ancestors and used as a means to justify slavery and the genocide and dehumanization of a whole group of people? This is why knowing your history is important. History and religion intertwine throughout the ages. Many of the legends and mythos are presented as purely historical in nature. This is wrong. To use a fable but try to present it as an actual event that took place in history is deceitful and cruel in an unforgivable manner. To play with the sanctity of one's salvation cannot be looked upon favorable in the eyes of the Most High(s).

If we go back far enough in history we find that many stories that are found in the bible are also found on the walls of Kemet. Many of the bible stories come from the Egyptian Book Of Coming Forth By Day, misnomered The Book Of The Dead. In ancient Egyptian and other African cultures, women were held in the highest regard and esteemed as Goddesses. In many Native American cultures, society was matrilineal. This meant inheritance and descent came from the mother's side. The Divine Feminine was seen as an important principle to cosmic and physical harmony. Patriarchal religions have cut out the Divine Feminine principle and we see the results. The world is in havoc and yes I believe this is due to greedy war-mongers masquerading as moral and religious authorities. Even the Pope's know this, which is why they pray to the BLACK Madonna and her child.

The Original Holy Trinity was the mother, father and child. When did the feminine principle get removed? Patriarchy knows how powerful women are and in order for it to work, the woman had to be cut off from her divinity and treated as a subordinate who was there only as a help-mate to the male. This is completely unsubstantiated. There is no proof that women came from a man's rib but there is absolute proof that men come from women's vaginas. Everyone who comes to this realm comes through a woman. That is why women are so divine and sacred. This is why women tend to be more nurturing and interested in what is best for the collective, as opposed to purely selfish ambitions. By nature we are more connected to the family and are more sensitive to the needs of others. I am speaking on a historical and cosmic level, as opposed to a modern individual one.

Part of women's glory is our sexuality. Some men do not understand this power so they fear it. That mixed with our emotional nature and mental fortitude leaves some men intimidated to the point where they feel women need to be "kept in their place."  This is a damaging effect of patriarchy and the mindset it breeds. Patriarchy breeds entitled males who feel a sense of entitlement toward women. This mentality encourages misogyny, masochism, and an acceptance of rape culture. Rape culture refers to times in history, like now, when rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence against women is normalized, excused, and joked about in the media and popular culture. ²

According to my research Europeans basically had no history and they stole the history of the Indigenous peoples around the globe. They were also intimidated by the black excellence; arts, education, civilizations etc, so they had to find a way to subjugate the Original people in order to advance themselves. They tricked the whole world that the African / Black /Indigenous people were gentiles and the Europeans were Gods chosen people. European rulers used this as justification for colonization and imperialism. And the whole thing is a farce. Biologically European people are not superior to Original peoples and actually many studies prove just the opposite. Also all non-Africans have some percentage of Neanderthal dna. This would point to the reality of who the true huemans are and that biologically, we are not all the same. Homo-sapiens come out of Africa and most anthropologists agree that humanity began in Africa. 

Misogyny, religion, oppression, subjugation, genocide and theft of birthright, all these issues correlate and are not separate. There are entities on this planet whose sole purpose is to gain power and control via subjugation of others. Religion plays a major part in this agenda. If you can control one''s mind you can control their whole being. Two of the greatest tools to gain control of men are confusion and fear. Religion serves both of these. I just don't feel like we need a book, or an individual to have a relationship with the Divine. Many people have never heard of some of the concepts I speak about and that is why self-knowledge, exploration and research and self-referencing are crucial when trying to recognize truth. And this is why I must speak my findings and truth, no matter how people may or may not receive it. When it comes to complex issues such as these, ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is ignorance. And a sentence to mental slavery. People deserve truth. What they do with it is their choice.

¹ discretion (dictionary.com)

² Rape Culture (marshall.edu)

© E.N.H. 2015







Alpha Women: We Don't Need To Submit To Anyone, But Ourselves

I'm always confused by the deep-seated NEED of many alpha women to find a man to submit to. Not the actuality of seeking a relationship, but specifically seeking a relationship in which they are handing over their power.

The idea that a powerful woman must be tamed is something society conditions us to expect.

But what confuses me, as a man, is how they will go against their nature to seek these relationships.

I can't relate.

I also don't have to. (Male privilege)

And in my estimation and observation, these women will seek men they perceive to be more dominant, more aggressive, and more physically imposing than themselves.

But these men are generally uninterested because they know that they, and their power or perception of power, will be challenged.

If they do end up with these women, they often abuse them in the most sociopathic ways to assert dominance.

I see women who naturally carry power and authority...infantilizing themselves...to "get chose". And often, that still doesn't work. And when it "does", they aren't happy.

They most definitely are no SAFER.....

There is no power in submission. Equality is about compromise and sharing power, not speaking from the bottom.

There are no easy answers to navigate this dynamic, especially because of patriarchy and Abrahamic religion. Additionally, everyone has a right to have preferences.

Seeing this pains me deeply. Even as a child, I knew it was wrong to force a queen to bow.

May all of creation be free.

Siete Saudades


I will be publishing two of my original essays on elonnicole.com. The first one is titled Love: The Divine Intelligence © and the other Religion: Of God Or Man? © This is the accompanying Introduction to the collection.

"Writing is a process. Sometimes fun, sometimes grueling. Other times a writer just doesn't know what to say. Writers have to contend with writers block, and sometimes you just can't find the words to say. That is where a writers tools come in.

Some tools that help enhance writing are dictionaries, thesauruses and encyclopedias. Reading material written by someone other than yourself is also a helpful tool when writing. Other writers prove to be a muse and can be quite inspiring. Possibly the most important tool when writing is imagination. Whether a children's book or autobiography, the way one tells a story is crucial to the way readers will accept it. Even when writing non-fiction or a textbook one can frame the information in a way that is fresh, exciting and entices the writer.

This semester I have learned the importance of editing. The mind is a computer and it needs time to assess, calculate and reorganize the information with grace and efficiency. This is why revision is so important. Also pacing and timing. Re-drafting takes time, it's a process. It can't be rushed. I have seen myself grow as an editor more than anything.

I like all my essays but the last two are tied for my favorite. They both encompass topics that are important to me as a person; love, spirituality, morality and sexuality. These topics can be sensitive but they must be addressed because they affect people's day to day and quality of life. I have let go of fear of backlash due to my unconventional beliefs, style and delivery. I have found that I am more afraid of the backlash from myself if I do not express my truth. Fredrick Douglass said "I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence." Indeed.

© E.N.H. 2015



They Hooked Up In A Prison Bathroom...Is This Love Or Nah

A ladies man, always be cautious of a ladies man - cause you may be one of his ladies.
A ladies man will never be hungry, and he’ll never be homeless because there will always be ladies willing to give them what they need.
Even if I do think it’s love, I would have to test it. I would have to make sure that he really wants to be with me.. And the best way to do that is to make sure that you’re not giving him anything.
You’re putting a lot of stock, and you’re investing a lot into a man who hasn’t proven himself yet. And then he has the nerve, the audacity to ask for exclusivity?? He’s only doing that because his options are limited. Maybe out of the four girls that he’s seeing, he likes you the most ..It’s easy for a man to love you and only you when he has limited options..
How do you know you’re not being gamed? You don’t know that. That’s why it’s so important to wait somebody out.. The longer that you wait, the longer you’re able to see someones true intentions.
You have to give somebody time to see what they’re really made of .
All you know is what he’s told you. You don’t know anything about this man.
Once a man shows me that he’s a user, I know that he could possibly be using me. When you see a behavior in a man, how he treats another woman, you have to realize, that could possibly be you.
You have to look at his behavior.
The way for you to know that this is love, that this is real, is that he doesn’t need anything from you.
You don’t have to always give him something. I don’t like the idea of feeling like you have to pay for it. You don’t have to bribe a man to be with you.
I should be able to give a man nothing, nothing monetary, nothing sexual, just be with him and that be enough.
How well do you really know him?
Have you ever seen him angry? How does he react when you told him no? Have you ever told him no yet? Maybe everything is going amazing because you’re doing everything he wants you to do.
Maybe everything is going good because you’ve always done what he’s wanted you to do. How does he react when you don’t? That’s what you should be testing. To make sure his words actually match his actions.
Do you know if this man has been tested for all the diseases? What do you really know about him besides he’s charming, and funny? Get to know this man that you’re bringing into your body and bringing him into your home.
Don’t be so interested in having somebody who will love you, and having bae, that you’re not making sure that bae is qualified to date you.
Just because somebody wants you, doesn’t mean they should have you.
— @bronzegoddess01


Niggas be so fragile after just one heartbreak. Then they wanna use that shit as an excuse to shit on women. Get tf outta here and go learn how to wipe your ass properly. Bitch.
— Jessica Elaine

Having one heartbreak, one bad experience, is no reason to be emotionally reckless. Reflect. Take the lessons. And grow. Man up nigga.