By Miss Solomon
In dating, the value you add to any relationship is the reason someone will date you.
Dating is an exchange. We are constantly trading with others through words, actions and energy. Your self- worth is the value of the currency you’re trading with. Different than your self-esteem, although closely related.
Your self-worth is the value that you place on yourself that is adopted by others. It is what you will accept from others in exchange for what you give. While confidence is what you’re convinced of, self-worth is the currency in which you allow others to date you.
The best way to attract high quality people is to raise your personal currency and increase your self-worth. Often times when we meet potential dates we instantly believe that we have to earn their affection. We don’t think that our value is an even exchange for theirs so we give more than we need to.
We start to worry:
What if they don’t like me?
What if they’re not attracted to me?
What if they choose someone else over me?
What if they don’t like me as much as I like them?
Its easy in dating to become absorbed with being “liked” before you’ve decided how much you like the other person.
Because we’re afraid of being rejected we try to accommodate potential dates as much as we can. We overcompensate by giving too much too soon. When it comes to value exchange the only way to prevent giving more than the other person and lowering your value is to set boundaries.
At some point, it’s important to learn how to tell people NO!
The ability to say no to the people we’re dating is the best way to convey our value. If you were to run out of coins while playing a video game the game would end. If you’re evenly exchanging value with potential dates then setting limits is a way of conveying that they need to give more to go further with you.
If you don’t want to be used, taken for granted or taken advantage of, it’s important to establish your boundaries early in the courtship.
Most singles fail to do this because of fear. Fear of the aforementioned. Fear that if they give the other person an opportunity to walk away, they will. They believe that if they tell their date no, their date will dump them and move on to someone who will tell them yes.
Think of how many times you’ve placed a higher value on a potential partner. How much were you willing to give out of fear? How much more did you give because you felt that what you had to offer was somehow less than their contribution.
The inability to say no because of your fears translates as desperate to most people.
As adults we know when we’re pushing others to their limits, unless you’re just incredibly selfish. We do it anyway because we think that we can get away with it. We ask for as much as we can simply because we can. This is when you have to deny such requests.
So how do you know when it’s the right time to say no?
When You’re Afraid.
It’s not a rational thought that if you don’t, someone else will. When you fear that your love interest will leave you if you don’t bend past your boundaries that is when you should hold firm in them. There comes a moment in dating when something tells you don’t go further. Call it instincts but there will come a moment when you want to say no but you feel afraid. That’s when you should.
If you have to compromise your value to keep someone interested then they are not really interested.
When you develop feelings for someone its easy to want to go out of your way to impress them and accommodate them. There will come a situation where you have to make a choice between their needs and your own. That’s when you employ the word no.
When it’s clear that it’s you or them choose yourself every time.
What if they don’t call you back, or invite you out again? What if this is your last chance to make a great impression and prove yourself worthy?
If you have to compromise to the point of being uncomfortable, for someone else, it means that you’re acting out of desperation. That’s not attractive.
What you said yes to because you wanted to impress your potential date will essentially turn them off. Suddenly you’ve made dating you easy but it shouldn’t be.
Once dating you becomes easy, most potential dates will move on.
What you were afraid would happen if you said no, will eventually happen because you said yes.
Instead of pushing yourself too far, hold back just a little and build anticipation. When someone is interested in dating you they will appreciate your discipline. I hope this was helpful.